A Tale of Two Roosters: Part Two, Barnyard Arthur and Mordred.

A Tale of Two Roosters: Part Two, Barnyard Arthur and Mordred.

I had noticed something in the ensuing weeks. Coq Au Vin wasn’t interested in attacking me or my long suffering wife. He was preoccupied with the growing struggle for control of his flock. While no real friendship developed during this time between herself and our elder roo, she was momentarily satisfied that assaults had dwindled in frequency to zero. Floki, for his part, had never given a thought to attacking either of us. He was somewhat skittish and spent the days bidding his time. Squabbles between the two increased in frequency but all seemed to be sorted out so long as Coq Au maintained the upper hand … err … claw … or talon … or whatever. He would best his son on each occasion, firmly, but fairly. Each time, Floki once bested, would disengage and Coq Au would never give chase more than a few paces secure in the knowledge that he was top rooster and Floki was a member, though a contentious one, of the flock.

There came a Saturday morning, however. Friday had brought the rains and with it, a wet morning. The chicken run was muddy. Not overly mired, but muddy. As per usual in the nice weather, I went out in the early morning to bring breakfast to the flock and decided to open the run and let them forage the yard. Coq Au dashed out of the door in a blur, past me with Floki in pursuit. I dropped the oatmeal in the yard and followed quickly after.

Our boy, our baby boy, our proud rooster had been deposed by the young usurper. He was a mess. He was soaked and covered with mud revealing an early morning fight. Not a dust-up, not a heated discussion with flared cowls, but a full on rooster fight.

In the growing light of the morning, he lay there near the house in the muddy grass. Floki, momentarily satisfied with his victory, joined the girls to collect breakfast spread across the lawn in front of the open chicken run.

Coq Au, while laying there, looked so utterly down trodden. He looked so small. So defeated. Not an ounce of his once great pride within him. Any vestige of fight had been utterly beaten out of him and my heart broke for the proud king laid low by his own son. I took a quick look at him and saw that other than the mud and a few nips to his comb, there were no visible injuries. In doing this, I was markedly shocked that not only did he allow me to approach without taking his usual battle stance, but he allowed me to handle him. Although alive and (mostly) well of body, he lay there limply while I gave him a quick examination. He was physically okay, but his spirit had been broken. I rushed into the house and explained what I had just seen to my wife. The morning bleariness of only a half cup of coffee cleared from her eyes and she shot out of the door with me to witness the deposed king laying there in the yard while the young champion strutted about. While a careful reader of this blog might expect that the vanquishing of her backyard foe might cause delight in my long suffering wife, I can assure you that the opposite was true. Upon seeing the pitiful shadow of his former self before her, her heart broke as deeply as my own. I took stock of the evidence in the chicken run and found gashes in the mud where the warriors stood battle. I saw a spot or two of blood that had splashed on the side of the coop where a blow to one or the other had been landed. I also had a look at Floki. Although strutting around, drunk on the adrenaline of a hard fight won, he was also largely uninjured, but with a few nips on his comb as well. At least, I thought, Coq Au managed to land a few blows in kind.

On this day, on this first day of regime change, my mind minimized the situation. Although my heart broke for Coq Au, I was under the assumption that it was typical barnyard rooster politics. I was surprised at Flock’s victory and beyond empathetic for Coq Au for his defeat, but I figured that this would be an end to the trouble and Coq Au would just have to be the submissive rooster after all. I was wrong. I was terribly wrong.

Coq Au had been a mighty, but fair leader. Although he ruled, everyone in the flock had a place and he saw to it that every bird was cared for. He mated most often with Hermione, but gave attention to most of the girls in the form of treats. Stray hens where chided and corralled to the safety of the flock, he growled at looming shaped flying overhead, and fought with any, including me, who he thought might be a threat to the health and safety of the flock. Floki had not learned these lessons as well as he should’ve. On that first day, the flock spent all day outside, but Coq Au was relegated to isolation. At any instance where he ventured near the flock caused Floki to give unrelenting chase. Not a few paces to ensure understanding as Coq Au had previously done, but full on chase with hatred until Coq Au fled in terror to a safe distance.

On that day, on that first day, Coq Au … previously the least friendly bird in existence, sought his refuge on the porch with my wife and I. This poor soul, so full of pride and fighting spirit, actually approached us to sit on our laps and take food from our hands. He was like a baby chick again seeking the warmth and protection of the people that cared for him. When the blue sky of afternoon wore in the greys of evening, the flock drifted in to the coop and to the comfort of their roosts. Coq Au was determined to stay out and with his great apprehension, I eventually corralled him into the run while the other birds were inside. I watched from a distance to see if, once it became dark enough, if he would go in as well. He did not. He stood on the nesting box peering into the window and I knew he would not be going in on his own. Once dark enough, I crept in and gently cradled him in my arms and placed him inside on the roosts. The other birds, including the now mighty Floki, were asleep.

That night I thought over matters very deeply and decided that I would see how this played out, but with intense observation. The next morning, when I went to the run for the morning ritual of breakfast, I found Coq Au hiding in a nesting box … head in and tucked down in protection of his extremities from whatever assault Floki had visited upon him in the early morning light before I had a chance to intervene. As he sensed my presence, he dashed out of the coop to the outside run door begging to be let out. Floki gave immediate chase, but being on hand, I shoved Floki aside and allowed Coq Au to slip through the door to the safety of isolation. It was clear in that moment that if he didn’t get some spirit back into him, he’d be tortured by this new dictator who seemed devoid of any sense of caring for even the least member of the flock of which he was now in charge.

I spent that day and the next several days redoubling my efforts to find a home to adopt out one rooster or the other. One friend had chickens, but the ordinance in their town already prevented roosters. Another friend with hens had small children and was reluctant to take a possibly aggressive animal. Bruce was already top-heavy with roosters. Any contacts that WERE willing to take the rooster would only be doing so to have him end up in the stew pot. If the ultimate fate was for one of these two roosters to meet an end, my wife and I had decided a long time ago that the emotional burden of such an act would be our responsibility and would not be shucked off to someone else for the sole purpose of sparing us the visceral heartache of committing such an act.

I became desperate to try anything to save both lives. Here is what happened over the course of the next several days and weeks.

First was observation. Herself and I carefully watched every aspect of this and the details of the doings of the roosters and the flock. More on this below, but understand that we weigh every decision with serious thought regarding the animals in our care.

Second was hope. We desperately hoped that there was some way in which we could encourage the birds to coexist without sacrificing the life of one or the other.

Third was planning. We anticipated several possible outcomes and planned to execute the possible solutions as seamlessly as we could.

Fourth was action. We put our various plans into action as soon as we made a decision and kept the possibilities open for whichever direction needed to come next.

In observing, a new ritual developed. In the mornings we would let Coq Au out and while one of us were home, he would be on his own through most of the day. We both saw the continuing pattern of unrelenting torture that Floki was determined to inflict upon Coq Au and knew that if Coq Au did not gain confidence, and Floki calm down a bit, that one of them would have to go. We also paid close attention to HOW each rooster behaved with the flock when given the chance to be with them on their own terms in absence of the other. Each night, when the flock would go in, Coq Au would attempt to bed himself down perched on one of our porch chairs. I knew he was terrified of going into the coop at night, but I also knew a night outside without the safety of the run would be a death sentence for him. So a cradled him each night once it was dark enough and brought him to the roosts and just as on the previous day, he would make the mad dash out of the run in the morning to avoid the persecution rendered upon him by Floki. It was a sad sight, and although I can’t claim to have witnessed it myself, my wife is sure she also had witnessed Floki mount Coq Au on an occasion or two to cement his dominance over the defeated creature.

And so we hoped. Hoped that intense care, good food, and daily rest would help Coq Au regain confidence. As hope faded, two minor squabbles erupted between my wife and me during this time. The first came when the realization washed over us that *if* we were not successful in adjusting the attitudes of both roosters to a level of coexistence, that one would have to go. Although I was inclined to favor Coq Au, I mentioned that he might have to be the one marked for death depending upon which we deemed to be the ‘better rooster’ in terms of the health of the flock. My wife, both of usnow in an emotional state from days of caring for a broken rooster, literally raised her voice to a shrieking pitch to the effect of “If you decide to kill our baby Coq Au, we’re not eating him, we’re going to bury him!” She was overcome with the sheer injustice of such a decision, and although she was not wrong, I had to decide what was to be the best course for the health and future of the entire flock. What troubled me most was, that although Coq Au was better at ‘roostering’, now that he had been broken, could he be the leader he once was, even if Floki had been dispatched? The next spat came on a day when we were both to go to work and no one would be home. I was going to leave Coq Au in the run, even if it meant facing Floki all day, rather than risk him falling prey to an animal while neither of us were home. I figured he would spend a miserable day hiding in a nesting box, but be alive. My wife called me while I was at work that day to explain that she was leaving for work shortly herself and that she had let Coq Au out … my thoughts be damned, she did not want to see the bird tortured any more and felt that he would be safe enough outside and if not … the fate of a predator would be better than the daily torture he was experiencing. Bless her heart, when she put it in those terms, I saw that she was right, and so it was.

So we planned, and acted. Each day I came home, I found that Coq Au, whether we were home or not, was safe and sound. I would find him in usual spots and he always had food, water, and special treats available for him each day. Each day he would come to me for comfort, and each day I observed that he was not determined to die, but was so depressed that neither did he thrive. He ate, but with no flock to share his treats with, he took no pleasure in it. He wasn’t even inclined to crow anymore.  In the evenings upon coming home, I would let the girls out while isolating Floki inside the run so that Coq Au would have some time with the girls. He delighted in their company, but did not have the same strut he previously had.

As for Floki, since he seemed so determined to continue his reign of terror, I decided the ‘humiliate’ him in front of the flock (Coq Au included). This is a real thing. This is an actual technique to use to try to calm aggressive roosters, but usually for establishing your OWN dominance over the flock rather than establishing one rooster over another … so I wasn’t sure how this would ultimately work, but it does sometimes calm down an aggressive rooster.

The technique is this – catch the rooster (no easy feat) and hold him upside down by his thighs. The blood rushes to his brain and he calms down. Then, while holding him thus, parade him like a spectacle before the flock for a good half an hour. Let the flock see him in this state, and let him see how he is being handled before his girls.

Here is a picture of my triumph over Floki.

 

While this may seem like a medieval form of justice, I assure you that the rooster is unharmed and chickens tend not to understand the subtleties of our modern sensibilities.

After this, once he calms down, cradle him in your arms and give him treats for another ten minutes or more. Yes, this was my triumph, but it was not Coq Au’s. Although Floki maintained a healthy respect for me, his attitude toward Coq Au did not change.

I let this go on for a good two weeks. Each night coming home from work to spend the evening until dark with the flock. Allowing Coq Au time with the girls, humiliating Floki from time to time, and carefully observing who would be the better rooster. Although I had trepidation about Coq Au’s abilities for the future, since his spirit had now been broken, he was still healthy and Floki turned out to be a less suitable rooster that Coq Au had been in the past. Floki did not corral stray girls. Floki was a clumsy lover at best causing the girls to yelp uncomfortably and attempt to spurn his advances. Floki did not seem interested in keeping watch of the sky when the girls were foraging.

I tried very hard over the course of two weeks … regretfully allowing Coq Au to be tortured at times … to save the life of both roosters. But no amount of intervening had any effect on Floki’s attitude toward him, and I passed the sentence of death upon him. My wife wholeheartedly agreed with the decision and we settled into the idea of the hard task before us … the final plan if all else failed. The slaughter of an unrepentant rooster, and Floki was that rooster.

A Tale of Two Roosters: Part One, A Separate Peace.

A Tale of Two Roosters: Part One, A Separate Peace

Now that we had two rooster, a new political landscape needed to develop in the confines of the chicken run. Herself and I had read and experienced the stories of others with multiple roosters and were calculating all of the possible scenarios.

Harkening back to my fading childhood memories, our old rooster Romeo, a Rhode Island Red of great dignity and leadership skills, was a stoic character who was normally disinclined to fight. It should be noted that the circumstances of the chickens my family had in my youth were slightly different. We had more property, more hens, and more time and space for that flock to roam and forage to their hearts’ delight. Also we had more trouble with predators, so everything in life is some kind of trade off in one way or another.

In those days, when chicks were born, my parents would let them be and integrate into the flock naturally. There were more hens … enough to keep a rooster busy. I do recall one occasion when a rooster was born and he came of age. I don’t recall trouble with the two roosters fighting and thus they coexisted. Until the day my parents realized that the new rooster had developed a ‘sub flock’ of himself and a few hens. This is also natural and not an issue except that while Romeo would dutifully lead the hens into the coop and to their roosts at night when the sun was setting, the young rooster-come-lately would lead his sub flock to the lower branches of the trees at the edge of the forest. This is the least safe place for chickens to be in a world of raccoons, foxes, weasels, stray dogs, and all manner of other dangers to be. My parents culled that rooster very quickly and the political divide was no more.

In these modern times where I am a fully adult person (don’t laugh, legally and physically, I am), I had researched proper ‘chicken math’ and understood the ratio of one rooster for about a dozen hens is the right mix. Here we had TWO roosters only seven hens between them. Although this could be a problem, herself and I considered every anecdote we had read and seen to help guide us through the near future.

Two bachelor roosters. There is a roadside farm stand along the highway about a dozen or so miles from us owned by a kindly old Italian gentleman who really knows his way around produce. One day when we stopped there (before we had obtained any chickens, but we had already been considering it) we noticed that he had two fully grown roosters right there near the entrance. They were loose. They were hunkered down by the shrubbery as content as could be without causing a moment’s concern for anyone. We asked the proprietor about the curious circumstance and he explained that although he does not keep any poultry on his farm, his brother had encountered these two ‘spare’ roosters that were due to be culled. Spare roosters are as welcome as the plague, because normally they only cause trouble, but in a moment of sympathy, this man’s brother collected the doomed roosters and he had agreed to ‘adopt’ them for so long as they caused him no trouble. The two roosters, with no one but each other for company, were fast friends and lived quiet peacefully by the farm stand. But … this should be made very clear … there were no hens for them to compete over!

We had checked in with other poultry keepers and discovered three main themes.

1)      The sub flock. This is a scenario that harkens to the situation I described from my youth. More than one rooster is OKAY provided that you have enough hens to avoid too much trouble. While the roosters may have the occasional dust-up over political affairs, the dominant one will keep watch over the main flock while the other(s) will develop smaller ‘sub flocks’. This, of course, would be the best scenario, but with so few hens and no room to properly have many more, we felt it was very unlikely to turn out this way.

2)      The submissive rooster. This was the scenario we were hoping for if the first could not be achieved. The dominant rooster runs the flock. A few initial fights and the other rooster(s) capitulate to the superior rooster. Peace is obtained, but only the dominant rooster has breeding rights while the other rooster(s) maintain a quiet existence on the outskirts of the flock.

3)      Cull the extra rooster(s). Some will cull the extra roosters as soon as they realize they are roosters, carefully sexed while still chicks, or raised separately for the table to be butchered when they are just about old enough for their first crow. Occasionally, if the older rooster is now past his prime, he’ll be culled, but by then the meat is too tough and is only suitable for soup stock. I had even read on forum poster who explained that when extra roosters were born, they would cull the gentle, easy going roosters and keep the angry, aggressive roosters because they were much better suited for warding off predators.

We decided to wait and see. Here’s how it went.

Initially, Coq Au would chase Floki a bit and ‘explain’ to the lad that he was the dominant rooster and that Floki had better get used to that idea. Coq Au was never overly cruel, but firm and fair in exercising his understanding of control. Floki would run a bit of a distance away, and would longingly watch the doings of the flock from the outskirts. Herself and I were starting to be concerned that our little boy would not have a quality of life and began considering trying to adopt him out to someone with hens, but no rooster. But, so long as there was no bloodshed, we were reasonably content with the notion that even the life of a submissive rooster would be a good life.

In those days of Floki’s early adulthood, I began to notice a strange but encouraging dynamic developing. Even with so few hens, and Coq Au being so good at keeping a watchful eye, there would always be a girl or two that would wander off to seek their own foraging in a different part of our small yard. Coq Au would usually keep company with the larger part of the flock and round up stray girls when necessary. But now, with an additional rooster, Floki would keep the watch with the stray girls. Perhaps, I thought, a sub flock was possible in this micro environment, even with the bad chicken math.

Another strange occurrence was happening around that time. Whenever I would collect the flock to go into the run, Coq Au would invariably take up the rear, just in front of me, but behind the girls to help collect them … while at the same time, squaring off with me if he thought I somehow became aggressive. But with this new situation, Floki would lead the parade of hens. Taking the point position, they would follow him while Coq Au made sure all was well from the rear. Our two roosters were actually creating a cooperative effort in flock management.

One day, as I was standing on my porch, with the flock about ten feet away in the sun, some small bird of prey – a cooper’s hawk, I think – swept down out of nowhere. This hawk was too small to carry off a hen, but could’ve caused some real damage. Hens went fleeing in all directions for the cover of shrubbery and the like, but Coq Au Vin, full of roosterly aggression LEAPT into the air in an attempt to get to grips with the offender who was full on the wing. Floki ALSO made a half hearted youthful attempt to get to grips with the hawk. Coq Au may have even landed a talon on the invader, it was that close. The hawk flew off and the roosters and I went about the business of collecting the hens and soothing shattered nerves. We paraded back into the run after that.

This should be made clear. The events of the hawk happened within the span of an instant in time. It was the damnedest thing I had ever seen, and although I am glad to have been on hand at the right moment to assist, my slow human reaction was no match for my two roosters! Medals were awarded and full military honors given.

On a side note, I am not handy with a camera, that’s why I have so few pictures on the blog. I do not have a good picture of Floki, but Floki grew up to become an Adonis in rooster form. He stood tall, well proportioned, and looked like the original model for every weather vane ever produced. To be fair, Coq Au, although not as tall, is also a magnificent looking creature and more barrel chested. From the few photos, you can see he is a powerful beast, indeed.

As the weeks passed, however, things began to take a turn. By and by in subtle degrees. I first noticed that Floki, when watching the stray girls, would try to get ‘the sex’ on the sneak. He was NOT accustomed to doing a proper mating dance and had NOT learned how to be a proper, gentle lover the way Coq Au had become. A hen would often squawk and spurn his advances causing Coq Au to immediately charge over to put an end to the situation toot sweet. Floki would keep trying, however and this was causing some friction.

It is the habit of chickens to go into the coop at night as the sun sets. Sometimes, pecking order plays a part, sometimes not, but they generally filter in one by one until one or two hens are left in the hard. As the sky darkens, they make their way in as well. The usual circumstance is for Coq Au to go in first (I consider it likely that this is because after the stresses of watching the flock all day and listening to the incessant chatter of the hens about union meetings, egg quotas, gossip about broody-ness and what not, he’s had quite enough and is content to turn in). Hortense is invariably the last to go in. As I’ve described ad nauseam, she is not at the bottom of the pecking order and has no political issues, she mearly regards her alone time as sacred and enjoys a few moments peace for herself. But the new trend was for Coq Au and Floki to be out after the girls (including Hortense) have gone in. They would be arguing. A back and forth squabble of roosterly squawking would occur. It really did sound like a heated conversation. One that reminded me of an old anti-drug PSA of a father confronting a son about drug use, but in our context, the conversation went more like this:

Coq Au: You were trying to have sex again with one of your aunts. What’s wrong with you? Where did you learn that tape of behavior? ANSWER ME!

Floki: I learned it by watching YOU, dad. I learned it by watching you!

Things began to come to a head one Saturday while I was out with the hose cleaning the chicken fonts and providing fresh water. Both roosters squared off directly, only Floki was NOT inclined to back down. Cowls were fully flared and they came to blows. A goodly blast from the hose calmed them down. The troubling part of this was that Floki was no longer content to be chided, he would need to test his meddle directly in pitched battle.

I set about the business of attempting to find a suitable home for Floki. Extra roosters are next to impossible to adopt out, so I was still hoping that they would resolve the issue between themselves without resorting to bloodshed. Hopefully, one good battle would be all it took for one rooster to prevail and one to learn to be content with his place in the world.

Prologue: Which Bathroom is He Supposed to Use?

Prologue: Which bathroom is he supposed to use?

Things were going very well. Each minor crisis was met with a renewed vigor, the flock spent another summer without incident, Lagertha was becoming almost as large as the fully grown birds, and Coq Au Vin and had settled into a workable routine with each other. We avoided each other for the most part with a distanced mutual respect and once every two weeks or so he decided that life would not be complete unless I delivered to him a good booting. You could tell in the days leading up to it because he would posture in front of me and this will be difficult to describe. When chickens forage around, they are bent over, searching the ground for morsels, and pick up this or that tasty bug, treat, cracked corn, or whatever. They look intense, but serene. Coq Au rarely forages, but when he does, he also looks intent and serene. As I’ve described before, he usually doesn’t eat what he finds, but calls a girl over and gives the treat to her. Sometimes it is only out of a sense of his inner altruism, sometimes he launches into his weird stiff-legged mating dance. But on the occasions where he is posturing for a fight, he bends down with the same intensity but with an underlying seething hated that causes his movements to almost tremble. He’ll pick up something useless like a piece of straw and put it back down with equal muscular tension. As he does this he grumbles under his breath: “I’m gonna pick up THIS piece of straw … and now I’m gonna put it over HERE! Then I’m gonna pick up THIS piece and put it over THERE! THAT’LL show YOU who’s the *REAL* boss of THIS yard!” … and on and on. That’s how I know a flurry of talons and feathers is only a day or so away and a good booting is in order. On those days he pleads with me. “Please, sir … oh please. My life can not be complete on this day unless I’ve had a sound kicking!” and I am forced to oblige.

Thus, life went on in this way but the nature of the flock was about to be drastically changed, and for a long time to come.

While watching the flock foraging the yard one fine autumn day, I took special interest in how lil Lagertha had grown.

“She’s magnificent,” I thought. “Just look how much greener the beetle-sheen is on her black feathers than the older girls! Her legs and tail feathers are becoming stunningly long too, and … ah crap.”

Disheartened, I turned houseward to ignore the issue I had discovered with the deep, deep wish that I was wrong and that it would just simply go away if I closed my eyes hard enough. My respite was short, though.

The following day, herself and I were out in the yard to make the decisions on early fall activities. What plants needed to be pulled, what summer junk needed to be tossed or put away, etc. The flock was once again out foraging and basking in the early autumn sun. My wife outwardly began the same conversation to me that I had with myself only a day before. I had said nothing to her, she was musing the same way I had been.

“Look at how beautiful Lagertha’s tail is and how tall she’s getting!”

“That’s because ‘she’s’ a rooster, my love.”

“Ah crap!” my lovely bride said in complete echo to the tone that played in my head yesterday.

With our mutual discovery of the same problem, I could no longer keep myself in denial. She had just seen the same thing I had seen and confirmed all of my suspicions and fears.

We made no decisions that day except to change her name from “Lagertha” to “Floki” (a tricky, enigmatic character from the same Vikings program that she and I were enjoying from which we had chosen the name “Lagertha”.

Little did I realize at that time just what an epic struggle was about to befall our household. This was the harbinger akin to the mythic tales of old that belie a story of Arthurian proportions.

There Comes a Time.

There Comes a Time.

One day in late November of 2014, I arrived at my office with head hung down and shoulders slumped. Normally, my coworkers avoid talking to me in the morning because they know it will be a long and detailed story of what Mildred ate this morning, or that cute thing that Myrtle did, etc. But, being compassionate people, they asked me why I was looking so glum.

“I’m worried about my rooster’s health.” I grimly intoned.

“Why? What’s wrong with him?”

“My wife wants him dead.” I solemnly replied.

You see, after weeks of his bad behavior, my wife had had enough. She couldn’t enjoy the company of her flock with the proverbial sword of Damocles hanging over her in the form of an angry rooster. And now, that sword hung over him, only he didn’t realize it.

It came to a point where she insisted he had to go. There are very few options for unwanted roosters and the thought of ending his life was not a decision I was willing to come to lightly. We both knew that no one wants a spare rooster for any reason but one. I was not prepared to issue a sentence upon him unless I was absolutely sure of it. Some folks will butcher a chicken without thought and I have no compunction about doing so … but only under the terms of great need. So, we talked with some other chicken owners, consulted the interwebs experts, and called a local farm to see if it would be possible to obtain a replacement. For sure we did want a rooster, just hopefully a less evil one. I did, however, explain to my wife that any rooster could turn out to be hostile and we might find ourselves in this same position time and again.

I talked long and hard with my wife about the importance of ‘the boot’ and that every day, I offer Coq Au Vin a choice. He can have the treat or the boot. Four or five days a week he’ll opt for the treat. But some mornings, upon offering him his choice, he looks at me and says “Y’know what? Today I need to boot. My life just won’t be complete today until I antagonize you to the point to deliver to me a sound kick or three.” And I oblige him. I explained to my wife that when you think he needs to boot, you can’t flee, you can’t shrink away, you must stand there as if you have bigger balls than he does. You must be firm, stand your ground, and be prepared to deliver on your promises. I went on to explain that although you may do this with great aplomb, there will be days when he insists that he needs the boot anyway. You must deliver.

Bless her heart, she did try. But it isn’t in her. So, it fell entirely to me to straighten out this situation. Not only to create peace in our realm, but to save his life! The most extreme thing I did was to catch him, grab him firmly by his legs (let me tell you, you can feel the muscle in those drumsticks!) and carry him around upside down for a while. In front of the flock. On display until he calms down. Humiliate him in front of the flock. I kid you not, this is what the experts recommend. When he calms down, you’re supposed to hold him right way around again for a little bit longer, hand feed him some treats, and then gently put him down.

The reality of this is this … I convinced my wife to help me and catching that fucker in the first place was no easy task! But, I coerced him close to me with the promise of a good fight and, with heavy gloved hands, clumsily grabbed him. My wife had to help hold him still for a bit so I could adjust my grip. I can not tell you how brave this is of her to face the fear of this rooster to help me do this! I finally had a firm grip of both legs in one hand. But I was holding his legs to low down close to his feet and that son of a bitch reared up with knees bent and went at me! More adjusting, no bleeding, and a little bruising (I’m speaking of myself!) I finally had him around the thighs. Sure, while dangling upside down, blood rushing to his head, he was calm. Seething in a calm angry hatred of all things me. After a while, I up ended him and sensing he was still firmly held, he remained calm. But he damn well vowed not to take a treat from me! After a time, I gently let him down. I did expect him to spin on his heels and come at me, but he stomped off to sulk somewhere and shortly after, engage in some sex with the first willing hen.

 

At any rate, this was not going to be an overnight transformation. Not to be bested myself, I also vowed that I would somehow find his good side and spare his life. I told my wife that we would NOT be killing him, and that I would work with him through the winter and we would make a decision sometime in the spring. He had a temporary stay.

I want you to remember that I refer to both myself and the rooster as douche bags. They say that opposites attract, but in the case of my wife and me the truth is that our marriage works so well … I am so in love with her … because she is as big of a douche bag as I am. While she was unwilling to stand firm and kick the rooster, she DID enjoy attempting a bit of psychological warfare. Come thanksgiving, she actually paraded the turkey carcass in front of that chicken run as a display to Coq Au Vin of the possible fate that awaited him if he continued down the path he was on!

The entire crux of the issue is that he believes himself to be the big papi of the henhouse. What he doesn’t realize is that I’M big papi, and he can only hope to be little papi!

He had the winter and perhaps the spring to learn to calm down, or his fate was sealed.

Coq Au Vin - The Romantic; And Our First Egg.

Coq Au Vin – the romantic and our first egg

As they grew through that summer an into fall we began to notice how Coq Au was beginning to ‘Rooster’ and saw that it was (mostly) good.

There comes a time in every young man’s life that he ‘notices’ girls in a very different way. So too did that time come for our little Coq Au. The first real evidence of this was while hand feeding him treats, he gently picked up a tasty bread crumb from my hand and did NOT eat it! He lifted his head up straight and proud and ‘twirred’ I guess you’d call it. The sound is something like a cross between the coo of a dove with a bit of chicken-like baritone and a little more vibrato. He made this noise to call over one of the hens and he gave the bread crumb to her! He still does this to this day, whether it is a bread crumb (his favorite) a mealworms, a bug, or a blueberry stolen from the neighbor’s bush. My wife and I positively gushed with how sweet he is and how he puts the hens first! That is also still true to this day.

Around this time came what could not be mistaken for anything else but a mating dance. He began to dance. Whenever he was feeling enamorously infatuated with a particular hen, he would stiffen one leg rigid and dance in a circle on it around the hen. The mating commenced immediately after whether she was particularly inclined or not!

Naturally, this shocked herself and I a little, but hey, I had memories of this with our chickens growing up, so we got over it quickly. The hens took a little more time to get used to it … after all they were still new at this whole thing too! When poor little Hortense was mounted for the first time she fainted. That isn’t hyperbole … he mounted her, soon dislodged himself, and she just sat there. My wife and I rushed over fearing she was injured and she was limp and seemingly lifeless when we picked her up, but she quickly snapped out of it and came around. Who knew that chickens could faint???? She sat quietly on my lap for a bit until she recovered herself, a few special treats for her and off she went.

Hermione … on the other hand …

Hermione was growing to be our smallest hen, yet within the world of chicken politics, she was decidedly the alpha! She would pick on girls larger than her if they got in her way. Once everyone got the idea of this whole mating business she would literally squat in front of himself and present her bottom in what I could only guess would be a pornographic way in the world of chickens. What’s more, if he took an interest in mating with another girl, she would attempt to rush in and chase her away!

In those early days, he was so intent (like newly minted young men are) on mating as often as possible. It got to the point where when we’d open the little peep door in the early morning to let them out of the coop, he’d rush out first and the hens would remain hesitantly inside. They knew the first girl out of the door was in for a rape. They would draw straws, debate, conduct a short union meeting, take a vote, then ultimately push one of the hens out. While he was distracted, the others would rush out and perch on the relative safety of the old outside chair where they could continue the morning union meeting in peace.

Now, the correct ration for hens to roosters is about one rooster for a dozen hens. We had seven hens, so we weren’t too far off of the mark. There are good reasons to own a rooster for the health and safety of your flock, but if you only have … say … two hens … do not get a rooster! They will wear those poor girls out ‘knocking the bottom out of it’ at every opportunity! After a time, we noticed that several of his ‘favorite’ girls were ‘over-mated’. Meaning, he had rubbed the feathers off of their backs and continued until the flesh under was a little raw. In summer, they even became a little sunburned. Here is a photo, zoom in on the girls, those are bald patches!

 

Some corn starch on their backs helped ease their pain and in spite of my misgivings, my wife ordered ‘chicken saddles’ which, apparently, are a real thing! See this picture of some of the girls sporting their new saddles.

 

Apart from his sexual misconduct, Coq Au was also becoming a good leader in the real sense of the word. Chickens spend a lot of time gazing at the ground in an endless search for tasty morsels. Roosters do not. Coq Au has missed many a treat tossed SPECIFICALLY in his direction because he’s too slow to react about things on the ground and even if the bread crumb bounced off his chest, and he bends down to retrieve it, a fast hen from some distance away would RUSH over and gain the prize in a mere instant before his beak could connect with the object of his hunger.

But he’s built that way. He’s meant to keep his head up. He’s watching the surroundings so his girls can eat in peace. Many times he would growl when a dark shape loomed over head which served well to alert me of a predator taking wing on high long before I had seen it myself. If I wasn’t immediately at hand, he would lead the girls to the safety of tree cover or the run.

He would also corral the girls to keep an eye on them. More than once I witnessed my wife spot a girl that had strayed away. She would sharply call his name “COQ AU!” he’d look at her directly with his full attention and squawk once or twice … she’d follow with “Where’s the girl?”, to which he’d look around and squawk again. Then she’d point in the hen’s direction and state pointedly “Go get the girl, Coq Au, go get the girl!” He would then invariably march off on that direction and scold that hen the whole way back to the flock!

With the girls and the rooster now just about fully grown, we were desperate to look in the nesting boxes to find our first egg. Each morning we would interrupt the union meeting to explain the situation and that upper management was becoming increasingly concerned over the lack-of-egg issue. The hens’ union rep ensured us that work would be on schedule and not one minute before regardless of the pressure of top brass!

Then ... one fine day late in August, it happened! Our first egg! Tiny it was. Perfectly formed. I waited for my wife to get home just so I could show it to her! There were special treats all around and praise for the hens, the union rep, and even for Coq Au! We fried this tiny egg and each had a small forkful. I remember well the taste of farm fresh eggs from well cared for hens and though small, the half I ate was not a disappointment. For my wife, this was a first experience and she was profoundly affected by how different and wonderful it was compared to the usual eggs one gets at the store.

 

Yes, we were well satisfied with our little flock. We figured the bliss of this moment would go on forever … but it was not to be … there were still more changes to come.